When you think nothing's really changing...it already is (what's actually happening in coaching)

There’s a point, usually somewhere in the middle of a coaching journey, where I can predict what you’re thinking. You don’t even have to say it out loud, because it’s there for almost everyone:

“I’ve paid a lot of money for this…” 
“I thought I’d feel different by now…” 
“The practice is still the same…” 
“Am I actually getting anywhere with this?”

I CELEBRATE this moment. Because that is exactly where you are meant to be.

At the very beginning, it can feel like you’re just talking a lot – about the team, the pressure, how everything comes back to you, how you can’t switch off.

You might even feel a bit self-conscious about having just spent an hour emotionally offloading.

Another moment I celebrate – because for the first time in a long time you’ve just said out loud what you’re actually thinking, what’s been in your head for years, without filtering it, without adding a positive spin.

Yes. That’s the beginning. That’s the groundwork. 

Then I know you’re ready for the stretch.

And yes, I won’t pretend otherwise – I love this part.

But for you, this is where it gets uncomfortable.

A part of you starts pushing back: 

“Yeah, but I’ve tried lots of things already and they didn’t work.” 
“Yeah, but that wouldn’t work here.” 
“Yeah, but nobody listens.” 
“Yeah, but if I don’t do that, then this happens.” 

And my all-time favourite… “I don’t know.”

There's a moment you might be sat there thinking, “Why don’t I have the answers I came here for yet?”

And I’m sat there thinking… good. Stay right there. Stay in “I don’t know.”

Because that is the moment you’ve hit the edge of what you’ve always believed to be true. Beyond that edge is where something new starts to form. But you can’t see it, feel it, or touch it yet… so of course it feels uncomfortable. 

It might feel like you’re not making progress. It might feel messy. Frustrating. And yes, sometimes you might think, “Maybe this just isn’t working for me.” 

I know what’s actually happening.

And I also know how easy it would be for you to stop here, go back to life as it was, and accept that this is just how things are.

So I don’t let you drift away. I take your hand and say – come and look at this. I can see it. 

The thing about this work is that things are shifting subtly underneath.

Occasionally someone will have a big, lightning-bolt moment, but most of the time change shows up in moments you would almost miss if someone like me wasn’t there to stop you and say, “Hang on… did you hear what you just said?”

You saw a problem and didn’t immediately step in to fix it. 

You let it sit. 

You trusted someone else to pick it up. 

You noticed something hadn’t been done to your standard and didn’t open the laptop at 9pm to “just sort it.” You left it. And it got done anyway… or it didn’t, and the world didn’t end.

You went home and the practice was still there – the same people, the same problems – but it didn’t grip you in the same way. 

You weren’t running every scenario in your head or trying to pre-empt every outcome before tomorrow. 

And when you say it out loud, it sounds small: “Oh, I just didn’t get involved in that one.” “I left it with them.” “I didn’t check it… and it was fine.”

And I will stop you every single time, because from where I’m sitting, that’s EVERYTHING. That’s the moment you are no longer leading in the same way you were when you started. 

The practice hasn’t suddenly changed. The same people are there, the same challenges are there, the same level of responsibility is there.

But something has changed in YOU.

That’s what this is all about – not fixing the practice, not removing the responsibility (unless that’s explicitly what you want), but untangling yourself from it. 

So if you’re on this journey with me right now, let this be a reminder that I see you, and I’m celebrating every single one of these moments with you. You are doing incredible work.

If you’ve been sitting with the question, “Would this work for me?” – let this be the honest answer. This is what you’d be stepping into.

It’s not something you need to feel ready for, and it’s not something you need to know the outcome of. But it will change you in a way that makes it almost impossible to go back to how things felt before.

You won’t be able to unfeel what you feel. You won’t be able to unsee what you see. You can’t unknow what you know.

That’s how you know it’s working.